My First Mother's Day Without My Mother

This mug with moms words (and coffee) get me up every morning

Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you."

Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."






Mother's Day is approaching and a dear friend of mine has recently lost her mother.

I know exactly what she is going through.

I thought I'd share this post from April 27th, 2009.




Dear Mom, 4/27/09

I was in the grocery store a week ago and as I was shopping for fruits and veggies, I came face to face with a display full of beautiful cards and wrapping paper embellished in various flower patterns. The header on the display read “Mother’s Day. May 10th. Don’t forget Mom.” It felt like one of those hideous rolls of patterned wrapping paper came shooting out at me and stabbed me in my chest. It went in so deep, that I didn’t think anything could hurt worse than that. Not even having a baby. Thank You Hallmark. As if I wasn’t having a hard enough time. What, they couldn’t wait until next year to remind me that I’ll have one less card to buy? I wanted to take that wrapping paper and unroll it, use it for a blanket and cry myself to sleep under the bananas. Of course I couldn’t, because the last thing I need is to be hauled off to jail for biting anyone who came close enough to ask me if I was ok.

I am not ok Mom.
 
I don’t even know what to say to people who ask me how I’m doing. Should I say, “Well, today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Yesterday, I screamed at my children for no good reason other than it felt good to yell and the day before that, I cried myself through an entire roll of toilet paper.”

No, I usually say. “Oh… I’m ok.” And then change the subject. The only reason I don’t say. “I’m doing fine,” is because I know everyone expects me not to be ok, so saving them the drama of how I’m really doing, I satisfy their need to help by drawing out my answer questionably.

I’m still going to church every Sunday Mom. Really, the only reason is that I feel better leaving than I do when I get there. I guess it’s kind of like exercising where, sometimes I just don’t want to run, but I always feel better after I do. Last Sunday in church, Pastor talked about “Quiet Times.” He said that it was important for us to have our own quiet time with God to talk and to be still and listen. I immediately thought of hiking and going to the highest place I could to sit quietly and pray. The next morning, I woke up at 5:45am, hopped in the car and drove 3 minutes to a local canyon for a little quiet time with God. I swear I thought I was going to have some breakthrough, some reconnection with my Christianity that I’ve been searching for. It wasn’t quite the experience I had though.

As I parked and got out of the car, the sun was just starting to get up. I had a backpack with me with water and my driver’s license in case I ended up being eaten by a Mountain Lion. (So people would know who I was.) I also had my camera around my neck because, frankly, I don’t go many places without it.  As I started to walk up the hill, I could hear animals running from me in the brush. Lizards, bunnies, squirrels, birds, etc. I headed up the hill and realized that I was scared. Very scared. What was I doing?! I’m alone on a hike with wild animals in Southern California. I picked up a really big rock with a sharp edge and held it in my right hand, and shook my keys in my left hand. (So I didn’t startle a coyote or anything else that would feel the need to attack).

Two separate times, I turned back.  But then decided I had come this far, it would be silly to turn around, so I continued up the mountain. I was snapping pictures, talking out loud, and shuffling my feet to make noise and asking the Lord to put it in my heart if this was the wrong thing to do. I would hate for my last words to be “God told me not to do it, but I did it anyway.”

After 30 minutes, I made it to the top, and boy am I glad I didn’t give up. It was brilliant. You would have loved it Mom. It was so beautiful. I always forget how beautiful a city can be if you step back and look from a distance. I sat on a bench and spoke a little to God.
It felt forced, but I did it anyway. I talked to you too. Did you hear me?

I couldn’t stay there long, because I knew the kids would be up soon and Don is not exactly a morning person, so I always try to make it back before anyone gets up. I didn’t have much time to sit and talk or even just be still and listen, but as I left to go back down the hill, I turned around as if God were sitting there and said, “My heart’s open Lord. Talk to me.”

I ran down the hill, shaking the keys the entire time and slowed down when I saw two young women walking up with a big dog. I knew people were showing up and I’d be ok if a Mountain Lion jumped out because someone would be able to hear my scream now.

The only thing I got out of that walk was the urge to go see little Jeff. So, I bought tickets for the kids and I, and we surprised him. He was so shocked Mom! You should have seen his face. It was awesome. It was so wonderful to just be around him, around my family. I miss everyone so much Mom. But, I miss you more than them. I wanted to call and tell you about the trip, about what we did, about how Jeff is doing because you always ask me for an honest answer. I know how he doctored things up for you, as to not worry you. If you’re wondering, he’s doing ok. But, ok isn’t the same ok as it used to be.

So, there it is Mom. We’re all swimming to stay above the water. That’s all we can do. I’m not sure what tomorrow brings, but hopefully it will be better than today.


I love you and miss you more than any of my tiny words can express.

Love,

Jessie

There Is Life In The Blood

We could always tell when my mother needed a blood transfusion. Closer to the end of her life, a good indicator of what was going on inside of her was evident by the blood. Platelet counts and white blood cell numbers were something I was paying close attention to. When she would start to feel worse, more tired and flat out sick, we all knew a transfusion would make her feel better.

And it did.


At that time, I was recording everything...how she felt, what she looked like and what she did. I remember going to the hospital with her on one particular day for a blood transfusion and getting to spend over 5 hours with her while it happened. I bought gifts for my children in the gift shop, I sat out in the lobby talking (and crying) to friends on the phone while she slept and I got to sit right next to her with my feet up on the bed and just watch her.

I brought my camera that day and asked her questions about getting a transfusion. She was fascinated with blood donors.

“When I lie there and look at that bag of blood, all I can wonder is, who’s blood is it? Is it a tall person or short? Is she a black woman or is he a hispanic man? Are they an angel? They must be, to give me their blood.” She said.

 An angel, yes indeed. The blood she would receive would give her breath, give her energy and fill her with life.


 There is life in the blood.





The Passion Week is here. This is a week I have a lot of trouble with every year. For any Christ follower, I suspect it’s difficult as much as it is comforting and humbling and amazing. My emotions surrounding the events that took place to kill Jesus are so very complicated. I can barely speak of them, let alone watch them (Cue anxiety for Sunday’s finale here History Channel).

In 2004, when Mel Gibson’s movie, The Passion Of The Christ, was released, I ran to the theatre excited to see it. When the movie was over, I couldn't move. I was trembling at the reality of an inhumane slaughter of an innocent man, and not just any man. I cried over the destruction inflicted upon Him, it was no standard crucifixion, if there is such a thing.

The Passion Of The Christ

I haven't watched it again since. There is no need, the images are forever ingrained.

The blood shed was reprehensible.

But there is life in that blood.

This week is difficult to understand. Jesus himself, wondered if there were any other way, asking God to remove this cup from him, but only if it were in His will. Jesus confessed that the “spirit is willing but the flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38).

The bloodshed was necessary. The crucifixion was necessary and The Resurrection was the plan.

The Bible is clear that living a “good life” is not enough. Romans 3:23 tells us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” If I based my salvation on my own merit, I wouldn't even make it to the gates to beg for the chance to grovel at the feet of The Lord.

“There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among mortals by which me must be saved.” Acts 4:12.

“God demonstrated His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8.

I cannot begin to explain everything to anyone who asks...because I simply do not have the understanding of it all or all of the answers to satisfy.




What I do know, however, is that there is life in the blood.

Witnessing Awesome Moments

Two nights ago, while sitting at the dining room table, my brother Jeff texted me and said “On our way to the airport!” Then it really hit me...

My little brother is getting married.

MY LITTLE BROTHER IS GETTING MAAAAARRRIEEED! *squeal*

My heart skipped a beat for what’s about to happen this weekend and tears came to my eyes quicker than than my mind could register why I was suddenly leaking. My life is so busy, I hadnt really connected with it. Until that moment, this event was just a series of words I was telling everyone for the past year.

Words no longer. The wedding is in 3 days.

I woke up the next morning and checked Facebook to see any updates from my soon to be sister-in-law (knowing my brother would not do it) on where in the U.S. they were. You see, it's a destination wedding and we’re all headed to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. They were headed out before anyone else.

When I opened her Facebook page, the picture above is what I saw.


And I cried...and cried and cried.

I feel so proud of my little brother...I cant even imagine what having one of my own children get married will feel like. I am overflowing with joy.

I’m just about a decade into my own marriage and I have learned so much about the depths of love...the highs and the lows. The trials and tribulations...they are for real. But even though I think I know a lot...I still know nothing. I hang onto the words of the the couples ahead of me, those married for 15 years..23 years...and longer.

I’m currently sitting with my husband in Los Angeles International Airport waiting for our flights out of the country. We are vacationing without children for the first time since our honeymoon and headed to celebrate the marriage of my little, but very grown up little brother.

My eyes are still leaking, my heart is bursting at the seams and even though....even though, my mother is not here with us..there is no way she doesn't know about this. I cannot wait to witness this event and to welcome a beautiful young lady into our very, VERY, fun family.

 

Her Testimony

Today is that day.

It’s another January 24th.

4 years.

Funny how time works. It really does help the pain subside. It’s not absent, it’s just easier. And not every day is easy. Random days are very hard. Random days are filled with chest pain, tears, disbelief and physical hurt.

But not today. This anniversary doesn't give me a whole lot of pain. That might be tomorrow, who knows.

Today, Im just fine. I’m sitting alone in the kitchen at 5am with my computer, my memories of her and her testimony.

Last fall, I participated in a bible study at our church called “Believing God.” In reality, this bible study saved me in many ways. It prepared me for many more things that were to come in my life I had no clue were headed my way.

Something else this study awakened me to is the importance of leaving your testimony for the generations to follow you. For your children and their children. We had constructed a timeline of what the author called “God Stops.”

These “God Stops” were people and events in our lives that we could look back on and see where the Lord was working to keep us safe, to teach us lessons and to draw us near. I was actually frustrated at the small amount of these instances and people in my early life....or at least the ones I could see and can now remember. 

I worked on my testimony time line and although it’s not fully complete, it’s there. In linear form.

I remember thinking it would have been great to hear my mothers testimony. I know just by our conversations prior to her death and for years leading up to it, that she absolutely believed in God and knew Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior. She would always tell me

“I’m not afraid of dying, because I know where I’m going. I’m afraid of the process.”

And the process, well, it wasn't pretty. But she approached it with grace, strength and probably walking hand in hand with God.

This week, my 7 year old daughter Shelby, was rummaging through a box I have of my moms. It’s been sitting on my back porch for nearly 2 years now. It has all kinds of things in it..her high school yearbook, her cancer beanies, a few kitchen decorations, some of her socks and apparently it had a few of her Bibles in it. Shelby came running in to me and said “Here mom.”

It was my mother’s study bible. I thanked Shelby and thought I’ll just take this back to my bookshelf. On my way to the shelf, I saw a few papers folded in her Bible. I was in the hallway of my home when I pulled them out, opened them up and began to read.

It was her testimony.

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I held back tears as I read it. More so in the fact that I felt her come alive in the words. I felt her come alive as I knew my hands were in the same places she had her hands as she read this and shared it with her church it seems. 
It was alive and it was speaking to me.

I want to share her testimony, because I know she would want that. She would have written this long before the return of her cancer. I know how much these few words mean to me and so I will be certain to finish that timeline for my children and give them the gift of my testimony of faith.

Such a blessing it is for our children.

“Today is Mother’s Day and I thought there wouldn't be a better day than today to give my testimony. Growing up as a child, I went to church now and then and thought I knew Christ. Later, I got married and had three beautiful children, but Christ was not the center of our marriage. We ended up in divorce. The funny thing is during that marriage, I always wanted my family to be closer to God and to to go to church. I prayed for that, but it didn't happen.
    During the divorce, the love I had for my kids kept me going. I talked and prayed to God everyday. Then one day I met this fellow. He swept me off my feet. He also had three kids. Neither one of us were going to church at the time. We talked and wanted to find a nice church to attend. It was at this time he proposed to me.
    Two weeks later, I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Again I talked and prayed to God. I was wondering why something so horrible could happen to me right now when my new life was just starting. The love I had for my family prevented me from giving up.
    At this time, Pastor Harold and Liz came into my life. With the help of their church and our family and friends’ prayers, they got me through a mastectomy, three months of chemotherapy and then a stem-cell transplant.
    Jeff and I decided to get married 5 weeks after my stem-cell transplant. The week before I got married, I was baptized. That cool water sure felt good on my bald head! What a sight! Since then, Kelly, Jessie, Mandy and Sam were all baptized. After I was married, I had to do 6 weeks of radiation. That was the end of my long journey.
    If it weren't for Gods love for me and the love I have for God and my family, I wouldn't have survived that journey. I wouldn't be here today to tell you about it.
    I am closer to Christ now than I have ever been before. I now realize how He used me to get others around me closer to Him. He is present in my life, and he can be in yours too. Just ask Him.
Thank you and Happy Mother’s Day.”

Praying Circles Around Your Children

“One prayer can change anything. One prayer can change everything.”
- Mark Batterson



This parenting thing is kind of tough. Did anyone else see that coming?

No? So, I’m not alone. Whew.

My three children are so important to me but I often find seasons in my life where I’ve occupied my time with “things” ahead of my spouse and kiddos. I’ll tell you what.... that never lasts long before everything implodes.

This past year and a half in our home, I’ve dedicated myself more to being a wife God would be proud of...being a mother God would be proud of and I still fail. For some reason, I’m shocked by it. I shouldn't be at all...not a single one of us is perfect. Failure is a tried and true way of getting it done better (not perfect) the next time. And for that, I thank the good Lord.

There has been a theme jumping in front of my face lately. The power of prayer.

I’ve been better, even keeping small lists of things people around me need interceding for, but I’m talking about specific prayer for my children. My pastors wife spoke last year around Mother’s Day and she said this was probably the most important thing she did and still does for her children. My amazing Aunt Mary said the same thing to me...without even saying it to me. It’s clear what power in parenting she’s using in her home.

My recent conversation with Candace Cameron-Bure solidified that prayer over our children is not just “some thing” parents are doing these days..it’s something God provided us enough material with, I’d be a fool not to obey.

Individual prayers needed...they are sooooo different.

I have had the wonderful opportunity to read Praying Circles Around Your Children, by New York Times bestselling author, Mark Betterson. He is the author of The Circle Maker and these books both focus on prayer.

Praying Circles is a small, easy read full of practical applications of prayer for those precious lives we’re raising and shaping.What I love in this book is the reminder not to just pray for my kids, but to teach them to pray while I’m at it....and that “prayer takes practice.”

He reminded me that “no one can pray for children like parents,” and gives you five kinds of circles to create in prayer for them. 

I honestly plan on keeping this book as a reference at my bedside. Being the easy read that it is, it still took me two weeks to get through, because frankly, I’m so exhausted by the time I get to bed, I can only ever make it a few pages before my body is begging me to get prepared for the next day.

Mark Batterson does a wonderful job speaking to the point on every page...and not a lot of words are needed, which is why this book feels more like a pocket handbook than anything.

I suppose having reminders in your pocket on praying for your kids is not such a terrible thing.

Disclosure: I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. 
All opinions and statements are my own.

 

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Dana Bell

I wrote a post for Expressing Motherhood about a woman I had the pleasure to work with in 2011. Her name is Dana.

 She's been living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer for a very long time. A true testament to faith and fight.
You can read it HERE.

Beth Moore Live!

I am headed down to Long Beach this evening to enjoy the one and only Beth Moore.
She just has a way.....

Compassion Assignment # 4 - Letter

 
pov·er·ty
[pov-er-tee]
noun
1. the state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support; 
condition of being poor. Synonyms: privation, neediness, destitution, indigence, 
pauperism, penury. Antonyms: riches, wealth, plenty.


Basically, poverty can be defined as the lack of things which are required by the human being to survive. You know...having no food, water...shelter. Oh, and medical help. Let’s throw education into that list as well. Now, I’m not saying that all humans who are currently living in poverty are in such dire needs, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest most are.

This weeks Compassion Assignment was to write a letter as if we were the sponsored child. It’s now Friday, and I’ve been thinking all week on how to do this, and I’m not sure I can. Not even for a minute can I set myself inside the feet of a child who only knows life living in poverty. I have a hard time trying to imagine what my life would be like if I had eyes of a child and only knew insecurity.

I have no idea how hard it would be to wonder where my next meal would come from...or maybe knowing what reading and writing is, but having an understanding that I probably wouldn't learn that.

I am not sure how I would feel if I felt the love of God, but could never read His word.

You see, I have so many clothes, they are coming out of my drawers. Clothes I barely wear. I have food for myself and our family at any time we need...or want...to eat. We toss leftovers in the trash knowing there is more food where that came from. My children have the blessing to attend a school where they not only hear daily how much God loves them, a Bible is required text. If we are dirty, we take a shower...in clean water. We have shoes, electricity, automobiles, technology, education, a roof, insurance and clean clothes.

I don't think for a second, I could ever imagine what life is like from a child’s perspective who might not have anything on that list.

What I can do is put my face on the floor and thank God for the blessings He has bestowed upon our family....and ask him ‘God, what can I do?’

What can I do?

“If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear Children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.” -1 John 3:17-18

This world is filled with children who have no idea what it's like to live outside of poverty. We have children right here in our own back yards that know this as well as children in third world countries. Compassion International is part of the answer to my question...What can I do?

Please consider sponsoring a child somewhere in the world, so they may have clothes, food and a glimpse into a life just a little bit better....so that they may see the hand of God extended to them...individually. So that they may have an actual Bible to read God’s word..so that they can learn to read at all.

Happy Birthday Mom.

Today she would have been 58 years old.

I’m not going to get all sad and sappy about it, because the last birthday she had was really fun. She laughed a lot, but she always laughed a lot.

She honestly found a lot of things funny, including herself.
She laughed a lot at herself.

She laughed hysterically telling the story of when she ordered some french fries and a fish sandwich at McDonalds and pulled away after paying...neglecting to get her food....forgetting she had even ordered food until 3 miles down the road!

She laughed at that one every time.

On this last birthday of hers, I picked up her cake at Kroger...the first words that came to my mind were “Sweet Rose.” I also went shopping for her at Macy’s and got her a bunch of stuff for fall...sweaters, jeans, tops.

None of which she ever wore. Those kinds of things arent comfortable during chemotherapy. I kind of knew that, but wanted her to feel pretty anyway.
As a matter of fact, I have all of those clothes now...and wear some myself from time to time.

I’m not too sad today...it’s just a sad situation. Birthdays are wonderful days. We celebrate life, right? Well, funerals and death are the same thing. We celebrate life...their life. I’ll be celebrating her life forever.

So, Happy Birthday Sweet Rose!

Her Recipe Box

I have been looking through my mother’s recipe box this morning and you know what the very best part of it is?

It’s not how worn and tattered some of this paper is. It’s as if she grabbed anything close to her to write down a recipe...including folded paper plates and sales receipts from when my dad was selling potato chips. There is no rhyme or reason to it. No Organization.

It’s not that.

It’s not the oil spots that make most of the recipes see-through. Spots that make me understand how frequently she used most of these formulas...stains on pieces of paper that have recipes our home frequently devoured and memories of her hands creating some of these masterpieces.

It’s not that either.


It’s her handwriting.

Her very familiar style of writing that makes me feel she’s just written me a letter.
That she’s alive and breathing...sharing these stories of creativity with me still.

Her handwriting that brings me back to school notes when I was absent in elementary, permission slips for field trips, birthday cards, thank you notes, journal entries......and recipes.

How totally awesome it is to see her write.

Candace Cameron-Bure...the conversation.

I had an amazing opportunity about a week ago to attend the exclusive unveiling of the new Disney Baby store at The Americana in Glendale.

Now Open! 

Inside Disney Baby

Love

Part of this celebration was a baby shower for 20 military moms presented by Operation Shower...which happens to be an amazing act of service for a lot of families. We were able to see what the store looked like and what they carried inside.


We had delicious eats, coffee and live music from Kenny Loggins. Yes...that Kenny Loggins. He now has a collection of children’s music and it’s quite delightful. Little does he know how many times I’ve played Footloose over and over since 1984 rocking out....like I was the original singer of the song.

 I felt extremely special at the invite to attend and cover this event as part of the media. We knew there would be celebrities, with or without their children, in attendance.  And I knew that I would be able to interview any of them if they were willing and had time. While waiting to get a personal tour of the store, I noticed Candace Cameron-Bure sitting at the table next to me. I had no idea she was going to be there.

Let me cut back to earlier that morning, before I even left home. I pray, like I do every morning, for the day, my husband, my children at school and whoever or whatever I feel needs praying for in my life. In particular, I prayed that I may have the chance to talk about God with someone that day. For anyone who follows me, or knows me well, you know I love to talk about God. So, that was my prayer.

Let’s go back to me noticing Candace sitting at the table next to me. There it was. My opportunity to talk about God. I didn't know what I would ask..or how I would even start a conversation about faith with her, but I knew I needed to talk to her. How would a conversation about faith have anything to do with a Disney Baby event? I wasn’t sure either.

As I stood outside the Disney Baby store waiting for my turn to see what’s inside, I saw Candace making her way to the exit. Still completely unaware of what I would say to her...and why, I did my best to get her attention and see if I could ask her a few questions.

The lovely Candace Cameron-Bure

And..I did.


The woman escorting her to her car told me that she couldn't, and didn't have time. But Candace politely said to her “No, it’s ok. Really, it’s fine.”

Face to face with Candace Cameron-Bure, I started to speak. It would actually be considered something more like mumbling...nonsense....embarrassment..you get the picture.

I was dying to ask her if John Stamos is as cute in person as he is on television, but luckily that’s not what came out. I briefly explained who I was and where I write...and what I write about. The poor girl probably thought some crazy blogger has just got a hold of her and there will certainly be no escape from this incoherent rambling....

Still unaware of what I wanted to say, I eventually got to this:


“So, I suppose what I’d like to know from you is, when I say “Parenting” and “Faith”, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?

“Prayer.”  She replied to me knowing what her answer would be even before I finished my sentence.

“Prayer” she said again.

Thank you Lisa Robertson of BabesInDisneyland.com for this photo!

I had no idea what the etiquette was for recording someone’s conversation, so I neglected to pull out my iPhone and shove it in her face. 
Instead I grabbed my notebook and pen and began to write down her every word. This was a conversation I knew I wanted to keep in my head. Of course, now as I’m reading through my notes, they appear to be as incoherent as my interview technique was.

I’m going to paraphrase the amazing advice I received from Candace that morning, except where there are quotations...I did manage to get a few things down.

She humbly explained to me that she is “face down on her knees” every morning praying for her children, also sharing with me that she “now prays more than ever” for them because they are older and facing challenges in life that require more thought and discernment.

“The power of prayer over our children” is something she values with utmost importance. “Pray scripture over them.” Scripture is amazing. In my personal experience as a wife and mother, the Bible has been the absolute best source on parenting and marriage I have come across.

We continued to talk about how difficult it is to raise children, period. But being in Southern California with a fast pace of life and not always being surrounded by people who share our same worldview, can make it even more difficult. I know this would be true for most parents.

“My children are dedicated to the Lord” and that’s how she can feel confident that they are protected with Love when they walk out the door. This is something I’m hoping to correctly establish in raising my children with my husband...a dedication to God.

So, I suppose it was fitting that we had a conversation in front of the Disney Baby store where their tagline is “creating magical moments right from the start™.” Because, I truly feel that our opportunities are there with our kids right from the start.





My children will fulfill God’s will and purpose for their lives. (Psalm 138:8)

Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be “alert and self-controlled” in all they do.  (1 Thessalonians 5:6)

Father, grant that my children may “show proper respect to everyone,” as Your Word commands.
(1 Peter 2:17)

Grant that my children may learn responsibility, “for each one should carry his own load”.
(Galatians 6:5)

Compassion Assignment #1

Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?”                                                                                                                           -James 2:15-16


When I was very pregnant with my second baby, I finally took the advice of a friend and hired some help in the house. If I had family anywhere nearby me, this would be unnecessary for sure. At first, I really just wanted help cleaning places I couldn't get to...literally, my body wouldn't fit. But eventually I realized I needed some extra help just getting everyday things done. So, we hired a woman based on the referral of the neighbor’s house cleaner. She came into our lives at the perfect time and helped me in more ways than I would have thought possible.

Ester, with her very little English and I, with my extremely broken Spanish would talk...and not about the weather. She was very open and after we learned to trust each other, she shared many details about herself, her family and her travels to the United States. She was not legal, as it turns out. This is something that many have issue with, as I fully understand.

I, on the other hand, have very complicated feelings about this. Ester, at that point in time, had not seen her three children back in El Salvador for five years. As she told me this, I cried. In a separate conversation, she gave me details of the terrifying three months it took her to get to the U.S. Starvation, dehydration, fear, scrapes, bruises, broken bones all included. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult life must be for a mother, a very loving mother, to feel she needs to leave her children to actually help them. How desperate must someone be?

Ester was in our lives for a handful of years and it went beyond cleaning the house. She helped take care of my children and myself in the absence of my own mother. I actually talked to her by phone from my mother’s funeral, a woman Ester had met several times, to let her know she had passed. Ester really has had an impact on me.

About two years ago, a friend was sharing information on Compassion International. My heart was immediately drawn in.Thinking immediately of Ester, I asked her “Could I sponsor a child in El Salvador?” “Yes! Absolutely!” She replied to me.

When I found out what Compassion does in Jesus’ name and how many poverty stricken children they help worldwide, our family signed up immediately. We were actually able to choose between three sets of information of children sent to us, all of whom needed sponsorship. Within seconds I knew right away which one was speaking to me. I asked my then 5 year old what she thought and she picked the same child I did. We talked it over with daddy and Bryan was the boy.

He is now 12. He lives in El Salvador with his mother and two siblings. He loves soccer, drawing, going to school and riding his bike. Those are all things he has been able to share with us in his letters over the years. With our sponsorship, we help Bryan go to school, get food, water and supplies. He also gets to learn about God, something else he tells me he likes as well.

Bryan draws a picture on the back of every letter.

Sponsoring a child is easy. We have a home, food, clothes, transportation, educations and lots of love to give. We are blessed. The small monthly donation for him is now part of our family budget. Our children love to draw him pictures and write letters, now that they can. We pray for him and his family and talk about him sometimes as though he is part of our family and right here with us.

In my dreamworld, I would love to visit Bryan in El Salvador and give him a hug...and maybe have him laugh at my broken Spanish. It’s also in the back of my mind to seek out Esters children while I’m there....and hug them too..for her and for me. It's now been 10 years since Ester has physically seen her children...the computer helps her see them online. Their mother brought El Salvador to our family...and I do think God brought her to me.

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