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| This mug with moms words (and coffee) get me up every morning |
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you."
Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
Mother's Day is approaching and a dear friend of mine has recently lost her mother.
I know exactly what she is going through.
I thought I'd share this post from April 27th, 2009.
Dear Mom, 4/27/09
I was in the grocery store a week ago and as I was shopping for fruits and veggies, I came face to face with a display full of beautiful cards and wrapping paper embellished in various flower patterns. The header on the display read “Mother’s Day. May 10th. Don’t forget Mom.” It felt like one of those hideous rolls of patterned wrapping paper came shooting out at me and stabbed me in my chest. It went in so deep, that I didn’t think anything could hurt worse than that. Not even having a baby. Thank You Hallmark. As if I wasn’t having a hard enough time. What, they couldn’t wait until next year to remind me that I’ll have one less card to buy? I wanted to take that wrapping paper and unroll it, use it for a blanket and cry myself to sleep under the bananas. Of course I couldn’t, because the last thing I need is to be hauled off to jail for biting anyone who came close enough to ask me if I was ok.
I am not ok Mom.
I don’t even know what to say to people who ask me how I’m doing. Should I say, “Well, today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Yesterday, I screamed at my children for no good reason other than it felt good to yell and the day before that, I cried myself through an entire roll of toilet paper.”
No, I usually say. “Oh… I’m ok.” And then change the subject. The only reason I don’t say. “I’m doing fine,” is because I know everyone expects me not to be ok, so saving them the drama of how I’m really doing, I satisfy their need to help by drawing out my answer questionably.
I’m still going to church every Sunday Mom. Really, the only reason is that I feel better leaving than I do when I get there. I guess it’s kind of like exercising where, sometimes I just don’t want to run, but I always feel better after I do. Last Sunday in church, Pastor talked about “Quiet Times.” He said that it was important for us to have our own quiet time with God to talk and to be still and listen. I immediately thought of hiking and going to the highest place I could to sit quietly and pray. The next morning, I woke up at 5:45am, hopped in the car and drove 3 minutes to a local canyon for a little quiet time with God. I swear I thought I was going to have some breakthrough, some reconnection with my Christianity that I’ve been searching for. It wasn’t quite the experience I had though.
As I parked and got out of the car, the sun was just starting to get up. I had a backpack with me with water and my driver’s license in case I ended up being eaten by a Mountain Lion. (So people would know who I was.) I also had my camera around my neck because, frankly, I don’t go many places without it. As I started to walk up the hill, I could hear animals running from me in the brush. Lizards, bunnies, squirrels, birds, etc. I headed up the hill and realized that I was scared. Very scared. What was I doing?! I’m alone on a hike with wild animals in Southern California. I picked up a really big rock with a sharp edge and held it in my right hand, and shook my keys in my left hand. (So I didn’t startle a coyote or anything else that would feel the need to attack).
Two separate times, I turned back. But then decided I had come this far, it would be silly to turn around, so I continued up the mountain. I was snapping pictures, talking out loud, and shuffling my feet to make noise and asking the Lord to put it in my heart if this was the wrong thing to do. I would hate for my last words to be “God told me not to do it, but I did it anyway.”
After 30 minutes, I made it to the top, and boy am I glad I didn’t give up. It was brilliant. You would have loved it Mom. It was so beautiful. I always forget how beautiful a city can be if you step back and look from a distance. I sat on a bench and spoke a little to God.
It felt forced, but I did it anyway. I talked to you too. Did you hear me?
I couldn’t stay there long, because I knew the kids would be up soon and Don is not exactly a morning person, so I always try to make it back before anyone gets up. I didn’t have much time to sit and talk or even just be still and listen, but as I left to go back down the hill, I turned around as if God were sitting there and said, “My heart’s open Lord. Talk to me.”
I ran down the hill, shaking the keys the entire time and slowed down when I saw two young women walking up with a big dog. I knew people were showing up and I’d be ok if a Mountain Lion jumped out because someone would be able to hear my scream now.
The only thing I got out of that walk was the urge to go see little Jeff. So, I bought tickets for the kids and I, and we surprised him. He was so shocked Mom! You should have seen his face. It was awesome. It was so wonderful to just be around him, around my family. I miss everyone so much Mom. But, I miss you more than them. I wanted to call and tell you about the trip, about what we did, about how Jeff is doing because you always ask me for an honest answer. I know how he doctored things up for you, as to not worry you. If you’re wondering, he’s doing ok. But, ok isn’t the same ok as it used to be.
So, there it is Mom. We’re all swimming to stay above the water. That’s all we can do. I’m not sure what tomorrow brings, but hopefully it will be better than today.
I love you and miss you more than any of my tiny words can express.
Love,
Jessie
