Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,
Over three years have passed since I’ve heard the sound of your voice from your lips. I’m pausing even now, writing this to you, because that seems absolutely impossible.
Impossible I tell you.
So this is the eve of your death. I know that on this night three years ago, I laid at the foot of your bed watching you breathe. You needed medication every two hours and Sharon and I were the only ones you’d let give it to you.
I counted the seconds between your breaths in horror. I remember every thought I had and the disbelief that that was real life.
Closer to death you actually began to pause 12 then 13 then 15 seconds and then longer between chest raises.
Impossible, I tell you. Truly impossible to believe that this much time has passed.
I cannot tell you or anyone else around me how much I miss you. Words wont do.
How much I miss my mom.
Ouch.

Mom, the kids are amazing. Shelby is in 1st grade now and she can read and write! She is so beautiful and athletic and funny, sensitive, brave, confident and a go-getter, that’s for sure.

Hayden is all boy. He’s handsome and tall and athletic and smart...very, very smart. He loves to climb trees, throw rocks, jump on or off of anything, run and I know he’d hunt if he could...because he is all boy.
And Courtney...I know you’ve never met her and that breaks my heart, it truly does. I hope that when she was a twinkle in God’s eye, he showed her to you before she was sent this way. She is absolutely adorable and comical, stubborn, charming and cuddly.

Life is good...but I’m still in a lot of pain. It’s funny, mom, it’s not the same pain as what tomorrow brought me three years ago. It’s a different kind of pain, a dull, constant ache.

Don and I are doing really well. I’ve devoted myself to living how Jesus teaches and it’s truly amazing what that has done for me personally, and our family.

Jeff is getting married! He’s getting married mom, and I’m so happy for him. You’ll never believe it, but he’s marrying Jenni...his high school sweetheart. I am truly, truly ecstatic for them, they are on a wonderful path together.

And Joe....he’s just amazing. He’s grown up so much mom. You’d be so proud of him. So proud. He’s working hard in something he believes in and is climbing hurdles as they come. He’s working very hard.

I miss you. Every single day. The anniversary of your death is not much different than any other day of the year. I suppose I’m just reminded of the traumatic events that occurred on that day. Events that someday, I’ll share. Someday I’ll write about them mom, because they’re in my head and they need to come out.

I love you deeply. I miss you more. I’m sure you’re watching somehow, someway and there is comfort in that.
Oh, how I miss you.

 

My August 2009 performance in Expressing Motherhood in Los Angeles. 

Based on a blog post on Strengthofarose.com