A Moment Of Craziness (and its totally ok).

So, here's the thing.

A few nights ago, I posted something and then an hour later, deleted it. I had sat down to write after a terribly long week alone with the kids. I deleted it because I was embarrassed about what I wrote.

I think as moms, this is wrong. Sharing how difficult motherhood is, is one of the reasons why I started Expressing Motherhood with my dear friend. So, by me deleting my absolute crazy jamble of words about how I wished the kids were made of silly putty so I could smash them on newspaper and read the comics, goes totally against everything I believe in as a mother.

We need to talk about how crazy it is. About how lonely it is sometimes. About how darn hard it is.  No one can prepare you for motherhood....but maybe, just maybe, some of us can scare the bejeezus out of you for a minute or two.

For your reading enjoyment, here's the post from the other night, in all of its embarrassing glory.


Single Married Mother Season…..Life preserver please.

I sat down tonight with an urge to write about the mess in my head. I briefly contemplated whether or not to expose myself and share, but it’s not like me to hold back and keep secrets. So, obviously I didn’t really have to think about it long. The answer is…of course I share. Of course I write.

Some of you know…many of you don’t…but I produce a stage show called Expressing Motherhood. My best girlfriend and I started this show when we quit our jobs to stay home and raise our babies. We mostly believed that motherhood was something that needed to be shared…out loud…to other mothers….to non-mothers….to people thinking about becoming mothers….and all of their significant others, spouses, partners, what have ya. So, here is me…..Expressing some Motherhood.

First of all, let me start by throwing out a little disclaimer. To everyone reading this little rant, please understand that I am in full knowledge of the blessings bestowed upon me. I am in great appreciation that I am NOT an actual single mother, because God bless the women who have to go it absolutely alone. They have more strength than anyone watching a Rene Zelwegger film without fear. I acknowledge, that although I FEEL like a single mother, I do not, in fact, have to worry about where the money comes in. I know where he is…and he’s working right now as I write. And he deserves more kisses and hugs than I am capable of dishing out. The opinions in the following complaint are solely those of the author….me…who is allowed to say what I want, because, well,  this is my blog. So, there it is.


Cookie dough.

That is what I had for dinner tonight. I sometimes have cookie dough in lieu of a meal. If my neighbors are receiving freshly baked cookies late in the afternoon, It’s safe to assume that I’ve had a rough day or two. In this case, seven. It’s been a rough seven days.
The husband works in a business that takes him away from us a lot this time of the year, and I often refer to this time of the year as Single Married Mother Season.

So, here I am in the middle of the Season, and I’m having the worst one yet. Having the third child has thrown me for a loop. It’s turned my life inside out and I can honestly say I really don’t know which way is up. Please don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love love love my baby. She’s the easiest of the three children so far, but I feel way in over my head right now and its so unlike me to feel that way. I am normally a cool, collected person. I can be highly organized and I can multi-task like no one’s business. I have goals, and I accomplish them……normally.

I’ve been looking in the mirror, and honest to the good Lord above, I don’t recognize myself. I have no idea who I’m looking at. I see wrinkles and raccoon eyes. I see unwashed hair and unbrushed teeth. I also see complete exhaustion and loneliness.

Today, I thought…. ‘Is this what Post Partum Depression feels like?’

But, I know what Post Partum is...right? I know moms who were hospitalized for it…or thought about suicide….or hurting their children…..and that is not me at all. Not at all. But I know that's not all post partum is.
I’m just sad... and still grieving…and confused…and tired, upset, angry, conflicted, surprised and annoyed...and I think its a little post partum.

This is so unlike me. This is not me. Who am I? Where did I go? What am I doing…I mean, an entire day has passed and I cant remember what I ate for breakfast. Wait, did I even have breakfast?

My days consist of night feedings, toddler wakings, early rising, feeding, changing, burping, nursing, packing lunches, doing dishes, folding laundry, changing sheets, scrubbing toilets, running errands, cooking meals, dropping off children and picking them up, entertaining young ones, asking questions, listening for answers, barking orders, separating fights, reading stories, correcting language, grocery shopping, mopping floors…….and it goes on and on and on.

Somewhere in there, I’m supposed to take a shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes, get some exercise and sleep and take care of my husband’s needs?

Huh?

I just can’t believe this is my life. Where am I? Where did I go? I feel used by everyone.

For the first time in my motherhood experience, I can honestly say I get it. I get what I’ve heard other mothers talking about. About the isolation, and the feeling of being overwhelmed. It has taking having a third child to push me to that point. And my children are good children! They are well-mannered, very active babes. I am blessed, no doubt.

This is truly the most difficult, time-consuming job I’ve ever had. I need to find the strength to make a re-commitment to this job and move forward, because this is so not like me.

I know, I know…..I just had a baby four months ago. I think most of this is sleep deprivation. I am just flat out tired. 

And I miss my mother terribly. Oh, how I want my mom right now. I’m still grieving in waves, and not getting enough sleep does not help that.

I feel crazy. Even reading back what I just wrote here makes me feel sad for that person..but that person is me. 

Oh, boy.
Time to go to bed.  But I have to put the cookie dough away first. Neighbors, be prepared for fresh baked cookies tomorrow.